Fred: The Vampire Accountant

The following is a review of one of my classroom library books.

Seen above is an actual photograph of Abraham Lincoln preparing to go vampire hunting in 1865, just a few months before he was assassinated by one.

Drew Hayes dedicates the first book in the eight-book series to: "the uncool, uncoordinated, unexceptional, uncharming, uninteresting, and especially the unashamed. To everyone from the awkwards to the zeroes, living as the proud oddballs they are. This book is dedicated to my people." This is an exceptional introduction to the character Fred and the subject matter of the books about him. The first novel, titled The Utterly Uninteresting & Unadventurous Tales of Fred, The Vampire Accountant, caught my eye immediately on the staff-recommended shelf at The Book Loft in Columbus, Ohio's German Village. As an aside, German Villiage has the uncanny ability to put one in the mood to discover a good book, as it is anachronistic. Walking the cobblestone streets, one finds ivy clinging to ancient brick, gaslight illuminating brownstone facades, and a comforting feeling of being displaced to a simpler day when entertainment was not a prerequisite for edification. I say this with a tinge of irony because Hayes's novel about a vampire accountant is entertaining. Perhaps more than it is edifying. 

The novel is self-published by a boutique press called Reuts Publications. I look at this fact with interest. Here is a book that has found an audience simply through the sheer will of the author to make it so. I have expressed my frustrations with the publication process to family and close friends. It's no easy row to hoe, so to speak. And sometimes the stories audiences crave aren't necessarily those that the critics approve. Experiencing this book as a phenomenon of self-publishing success has caused me to rethink my stance on self-publication. Yet, the book could have used some editorial input. A lot? Not necessarily. But some. But I digress. What's the good, the bad, and the ugly? 

What I Accommodated: Trucker wereponies, among other interesting shapeshifters. Shy vampires. Mossters. LARPing. Zombies. Necromancers. Reading this book was like having a gifted (albeit mildly slap-happy) dungeon master tell you a story. It was entertaining. As a writer, the most curious aspect was the characterization. Fred often found himself running from fights and nearly wetting his pants (even though in undeath, he doesn't have the ability to do so). instead of becoming the traditional hero type, he remains an interesting anti-hero through most of it. 

What I Negotiated: I say he remained an anti-hero through most of it because he does step up in big ways (traditional hero ways, actually) throughout the book, which may or may not jive with what we have been led to believe about the timid, boring, awkward, vampire accountant who grows nauseous at the prospect of conflict. Can I talk myself into the fact that even the most cowardly among us may be moved to heroism if the circumstances are ripe? Sure. Do I still question some of the author's choices in the joust scene? Yes. 

As an aside, I recognize that I fit the target audience of this particular tale the way a severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. In short, completely. I have played Dungeons and Dragons. I have LARPed a handful of times. Not everyone will dig the speculative nature of the book, which asks What if D&D fantasy were real? The monsters, the magic? Nerds salivate. Others...? Not so much. Despite this, it follows Kurt Vonnegut's 7th rule for creative writing 101: "Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia." I would only modify it to say "one group of people" in this book's case. Not necessarily a criticism, just an observation. In fact, now that I've sat with it, this is what is most admirable about the book: the author's unabashed appeal to D&D dorks.

What I Resisted: Well, nothing really seriously, because the book doesn't really demand seriousness. There's some mildly inappropriate and potentially offensive content here and there...A scene involving drugs felt a little unnecessary and overwrought, and I suppose people could accuse Hayes of being insensitive to the gay community with how he handles Bubba's sexuality, how people talk about Bubba, etc. But "offended" is a bit of a S T R E T C H. I think he was going for laughs.  

Finally, and probably barely worth mentioning is the fact that Fred is a vampire accountant, which offers an opportunity to discuss (according to lore) a vampire's obsession with counting (in some Slavic lore, it's spilled seeds or grain). Never once is this mentioned. 

I give this book 3.5💪/5💪