One of the most effective child management tools in a dad's repertoire is the Dad Sneeze. No other instrument allows dads to, in a socially sanctioned manner, momentarily peel back the veneer of their genial affability and allow a glimpse into the dark and savage recesses of their repressed and domesticated psyche. They perhaps believe society has bullied that wolf-killing spear from their hands and substituted a voting pad. Or a scratch-off lotto ticket. Diesel smoke. Some truck nuts. The Dad Sneeze is a harkening of hankies back to that heyday of the unabashed male presence.
Deep down men know they were once hunters out to prove their alpha by bringing home fresh meat to the family. Nowadays at least we can run the grill, correct? But the kids just want "Whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper, junior, double triple, whopper...". This is the true dumbing down of America. Our only recourse is to unleash 135 decibels of pent-up rage into a sneeze to warn younglings of our potential for brutality. Now, they have even taken this from us.
COVID has ruined it, of course. This Dad-Sneeze management tool has been removed from the toolboxes of dads and teacher dads alike across the country thanks to a global pandemic. It is no longer socially acceptable to sneeze one's lungs out in a public place. Or even a private place. It just isn't. Stifling a sneeze in the crook of an elbow, or pulling one's shirt up to cover nose and mouth, running sanitizer over hands like a church lady, doesn't stack up to the male power tool known as The Dad Sneeze.
To dads everywhere, especially those who also happen to be teachers: God bless you.
